“Who Am I”

 (Skype session 30/09 – Seeing myself & my Practice) Lens 1

I was on this session, but it was hard to hear as I was not officially logged on the Skype call but via a phone listening in, due to technical errors! However, from what I could hear from the other members on the call; it was very interesting to hear the thoughts of others on things they were thinking and looking at.

One thing that was bought up a few times was the idea of one’s practice and one’s self, whether we class this as a separate entity from our own selves or whether it is intrinsic in us all the time. For me I am struggling to theorize ‘my practice’ and figure it out as a ‘thing’ to write down… as everything I do as my practice is a part of my everyday life.

I find it has become quite overwhelming with Web 2.0 being a massive part of this; I work three days a week for a start-up app company working in operations, four of the part timers in the office are actors and because our skills; thinking on the spot, communication skills, empathy and multi-tasking we are a great attraction for the company. I try and now spend one/one and half days a week thinking about this course and wider reading. Another day is usually taken up by a job presenting/acting gig/voiceover or prep for an audition or workshop or class. I then have one more day I will usually have something with my family planned or an extra day at work. Around this I have to fit in, in evenings spare (if I am not working another job I have) or lunchbreaks; The gym to keep fit and positive, The theatre (which I do not do at all at the moment) for research and networking, searching/ applying for jobs and responding to emails and now subbing myself for work (as my relationship with my agent recently ended) then there is socialising with friends which comes back into networking.

I don’t know how it is possible to have a separate practise as it so often bleeds into my everyday life and who I am. This becomes an ethical argument in a way as to “Who Am I”? Has myself become my practice…my practice is an extension of myself and is involved in every part of my life. My job is me and I am my job. I feel this is quote common with those in the performing arts because it is something we are born to do and something within us (Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron) as we discussed in the skype session this bleeds into us taking on role; to where you are always ‘you’ in that role, you are never completely a character; something my drama school (Oxford School of Drama) was very much rooted in. They would always say although Emily & Laura are both playing Desdemona, it will always be Emily’s Desdemona and Laura’s Desdemona. This is the same I feel with me and my practice, I am always practicing no matter what I am doing. It is always for the benefit of me as an actor or something I’m doing will always relate to it. 

But I do feel like this is detrimental sometimes and something I am struggling with in terms of the ‘non-stop’ nature of it all or the feeling that I cannot switch off or have time to just enjoy myself doing ‘something else’. The accessibility and 24-hour nature that Web 2.0 has given us is a big part of this. We discussed on the Skype call how it can be extremely overwhelming now with so many different platforms Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, Email and normal SMS messages, Linked In etc. I sometimes spend forever trawling through knowing someone has contacted me somewhere and I need to reply or look at the message that was sent to me or recommendation for a job or comment on something from a friend, saying ‘have you seen this, you should apply for this, I know you’d be great at this’ and tagging me. Then there’s the applying for work; Spotlight, Mandy, Dramanic, the web in general; researching casting directors and finding out what they’re up to, to get ahead, keeping yourself active as a business and running your website, updating showreels, (especially for presenting); constantly having to create content- so coming up with ideas to film, going out and filming and editing. Then there’s the doing the job; updating CV’s, promoting your work and updating your social media account to be seen as ‘relevant’ and ‘current’. There is even the side activities that bleed into wanting to ‘work on yourself’ and make yourself more desirable to the industry; for me working on my musical skills as an actor musician, re-learning the flute and trying to find any time available to learn the ukulele. Phew! This reflects back to the comment on your practise being a part of you; as even in down time I feel I am always trying to work on myself within my field; I even feel guilty picking up a book that has no direct use to me as an actor or for my practice. 

This is why my last blog in terms of meditation, is so important for me to remember and to try and fit into my life somewhere! As it can just get too much, we discussed on the Skype call how the accessibility with Web 2.0 has made our job so much bigger than the initial wanting to be an actor equals go to drama school which equals acting for money. It is now a much bigger thing with you being and selling your own business and it can be very hard to manage, at least I am finding that. I am not sure whether drama schools particularly help in that huge part of our jobs- we had a professional practice class once a week that talked of networking and knowing who is doing what in the industry and the odd workshop on headshots and different types of work. But I think drama schools now need to have a weekly class of ‘myself as a business’ and coinciding with all of this a weekly counselling and meditation class. 

I heard on the radio a drama school (I think it was drama studio or ALRA) were introducing a councillor full time as a member of staff which made so much sense to me; after being told to delve into your most fearful memories or heart breaking moments in front of 20 others and then being left to deal with it afterwards or be thrown into the next class where you are told your speech was appalling and you’ll never work in the real world - I think anyone would have to speak with someone.

I could go on forever as I am feeling at the moment, everything with this course links together and feeds off each other which is really what I am saying with this blog – myself and my practice being all encompassing and all one; I haven’t even begun to touch on the other ethical thought that; when are you ‘you’. Are you a social media or Business ‘polite’ version of you? Something I am starting to be aware of. I feel in this age of Web 2.0 I am a sort of cardboard version of me; I don’t feel I really have an opinion much anymore, or have I always been like that? How much has this type of promoting yourself online, and also past experiences shaped us into the ‘artist’ we are. Is this ultimately us or is this just a persona of us?